i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
