so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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