I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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