i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
