Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
