please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
