I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
