i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
