oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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