so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i think my cat just said my name.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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