This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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