I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
