Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
