I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
