I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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