We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
