I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
