The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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