I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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