finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
