It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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