well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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