Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
