I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
