What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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