I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My bed smells like the plague
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
