I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
