I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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