did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
