I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
