I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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