all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
