if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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