my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
