she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
