i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
