Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
