i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
