wrigley field is MILF paradise
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize