I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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