i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
