Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
