Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
