if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
