oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
