Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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