Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
