hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
