just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
