if you like me you must not know who I am
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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