yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
