Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
