Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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