cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Couch. On fire.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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