mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
